Guilt
by Infernal Gamer
Summary: Set after CP2. Tessa is woken during the night by Jem's terrible fever but when she tries to wake him he attacks her. How will Tessa respond? My summary skills suck don't judge a book by its summary!
1. Chapter 1

Tessa couldn't sleep. The nightmares kept returning to her no matter how much time had passed since they'd occurred. Giant mechanical machines and a man in a dark, billowing trench coat and top hat plagued her mind.

Sighing she rolled over reaching out tentatively to her husband. Jem. His hair glinted in the faint moonlight but his silver eyes were closed. Tessa went to brush his hair back and recoiled when her hand touched his feverish skin. Looking closer she could see his hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat and he seemed to be taking quick shallow breaths. Should she wake him up? When was the last time he'd taken his drug? Tessa was saved from making a decision when his eyes snapped open. They both got a shock and sprang apart. Jem sat upright with his face in his hands, his body looked rigid and tense.

'Jem, are you well?' Tessa pleaded.

There was no response. Tessa grabbed his shoulder and he flinched away. When he lifted his eyes the pupils were so large they eclipsed his irises. He stared at her like she was a stranger, looking straight through her.

'Jem? Do you need the drug?' No response.

'Jem speak to me!' She was yelling now but he still couldn't focus on her.

Tessa grabbed his face roughly forcing him to look at her. She was about to ask him where the drug was when something hit her hard on her cheek. She fell backwards with one hand held to her face. It didn't hurt, not really but she was astonished and confused. When her vision cleared she saw Jem hovering over her with one hand clenched in a fist. He looked enraged and unlike himself. If people had demon versions of themselves that's what was happening to Jem. It was like he couldn't control himself.

Tessa tried to say something but Jem lunged forward and held her down. His head was whipping from side to side like he was looking for something. Tessa wriggled trying to get free but it only made Jem hold her wrists tighter. The pain was intense and she screamed. She knew Jem would never intentionally harm her but this was a different Jem. This was not her Jem.

Suddenly the door burst open illuminating a tall, dark haired figure. He looked around the room confused then his unique blue eyes seemed to click with realisation.

'Will!' Tessa gasped but there was need as Will was already on the move.

He leaped across the room like a panther, tackling Jem around his middle and dragging him to the floor. Tessa lay stunned on the bed before coming to her senses. She made a dash for the door and almost bowled over an astonished looking Sophie.

'What on Earth is going on here Miss?' She cried.

'Sophie! Thank the Angels, take Tessa and find Charlotte,' Will said. He stopped momentarily to control the struggling Jem. 'Tell her there's been an incident.'

Sophie led Tessa out by her elbow quickly but not before Tessa saw Will pin her poor, beloved Jem to the ground. Their muffled shouts and cries were heard even after the door had shut, along with Will's voice asking something along the lines of 'What's gotten into you?' But with much more vulgar language than a young gentleman should use.

Tessa was in so much shock she didn't even realise her hands and knees were shaking so badly that Sophie needed to support her. She just followed the maid to the drawing room where a very tired and pregnant looking Charlotte was resting. Charlotte had been working harder than ever to make sure there weren't any issues for when the baby came and she would have to take time off from running the institute.

Charlotte didn't look up at first but when neither of the girls spoke she raised her head stiffly. It didn't take her long to see that something had gone wrong, even in her tired and exhausted state. Tessa wasn't aware of what Sophie and Charlotte talked about, the only thing she concentrated on was one of the velvet couches that beckoned to her. How long she stayed there, she couldn't be sure but by the time she finally looked up Sophie was gone and Charlotte and Henry were in a corner talking quietly. In her hands was a cup of something warm that she realised Sophie must have given to her. She thought Charlotte might have asked her a few questions but Tessa couldn't remember answering them.

Upon seeing Tessa stir, Charlotte made her way over, setting herself down slowly on the couch.

'Tessa, how are you feeling?'

'A bit shaken but, I'm starting to feel better,' She paused uncertainly. 'Jem. How is he?'

'Don't worry he's fine. Will just came down to say he left him upstairs sleeping.' Charlotte patted her shoulder gently.

'Will was here?'

'Yes he came down to make sure you were ok.' She looked at her quizzically but thankfully didn't question her further.

Tessa's mind was still coming to terms with the fact that Jem had attacked her and she knew she should feel scared, afraid, betrayed anything like that. But she didn't. She just wanted to make sure Jem was back to normal and she knew that he would be feeling terrible about the whole ordeal.

'May I see him?'

'Who? Will?'

'What? No Jem. I suspect he's feeling a bit culpable at the moment.'

'I think he would be too, but I don't think it would be a good time to go and see him tonight dear. Why not wait until morning?'

Tessa felt a lurch of disappointment but she trusted Charlotte enough to decide it might be worth waiting the night.

'But where would I stay? I don't think I could possibly go back to my old room alone.'

Charlotte thought for a moment before replying, 'You can sleep in the room down from my own. It'll be closer to me if you need to talk to someone and won't be as lonely as your old room.'

Tessa much would have preferred sleeping in a new room where there weren't any memories like there most certainly would be in her old room so she agreed to let Charlotte show her to her temporary lodgings for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

_I do not own any of the characters they belong to Cassandra Clare. Thank you to those who reviewed the first chapter it really means a lot to me! and to answer your question no Jem was not possessed by a demon it was just his illness (although I did consider a demon possessing him after you said that ;D)._

* * *

'Jem?' Tessa knocked on the door almost sheepishly.

It seemed odd that it was her room yet she was asking permission to enter but she didn't think it would be wise to just go barging in. There was no reply from inside and Tessa thought maybe she could back away now and deal with it later. But a small voice in the back of her mind told her no. Some people would have called it pride Tessa just called it a bothersome.

Tessa inched the door open and went inside, closing the door gently behind her. When she turned around she could see Jem standing with his back to her against the window. His hands were holding the windowsill tightly and the muscles in his back seemed rigid and Tessa wondered if he was having another episode, before quickly dismissing it. There was no way Charlotte would have let her come in to see him if she'd thought he was going to attack her again.

When Tessa walked over to the bed he didn't turn or stir but somehow she could tell he knew she was there. Through the night she had missed him so much. His steady eyes and calm nature had been a blessing to her when everything went dark. Last night had been one of the worst in Tessa's life. She wanted so badly to tell him how she felt but she didn't quite know how to say it.

'I missed you down at breakfast.' She said.

_Stupid, stupid! _Why couldn't she just tell him?

Jem was motionless. Was he ignoring her or was he having trouble talking too?

'What terrible weather this is.' Tessa commented as she could see the dark heavy clothes out the window.

Jem chuckled ever so slightly. 'The weather? That's what you want to talk about Tess?'

Tessa sighed in relief. 'Not really, but I got you talking didn't I?'

Jem grunted in response and slumped down further onto the windowsill.

'Jem, I want to talk about what happened last night.'

'Yes that's all anyone's talking about at the moment. I bet the clave is probably talking about it by now.'

'But how? No one here would have said anything.'

Jem chuckled again. 'No, but news this juicy has its way of getting around.'

He still hadn't looked at Tessa and that hurt her more than when he had hit her last night.

'Why won't you look at me James?' She whispered.

Tessa could see the effect his full name had on him. He seemed to collapse for a moment before regaining his composure. He seemed to be battling against something but this time it wasn't a demon poison.

'I can't Tessa. I just can't.'

'Why can't you? James stop playing games with me! I would expect this kind of behaviour from Will, not you.'

All at once the tension left his shoulders and his hands unclasped from the window. He turned around slowly until he was facing her but he wasn't looking up. His eyes had dark bags under them and his eyes were bloodshot from having no sleep. Tessa wanted to go and hug him so badly but she could see it wasn't the time.

'Okay, now could you look up?' She tried to say it with a smile but it turned into more of a grimace.

Jem's eyes lifted to meet hers where they stayed for a few moments, just staring at hers. Then his eyes strayed to the side a bit where they widened with shock.

'Tessa your cheek! I'm so sorry, I never meant to..' He trailed off.

Tessa quickly held a hand to her cheek covering up the ugly purple bruise. She had forgotten it was there and blushed with embarrassment. Jem's hand reached out to her for a second, as if he meant to cup her cheek, before letting it drop back to his side.

'It's fine I know you never meant to harm me.'

It was like a wall closed over his eyes. He grew distant and Tessa tried to think of something to say. She knew she was heart wrenchingly close to losing him.

She went to sit down on the bed but stopped when her eyes rested on a large brown suitcase.

'Jem what's this?' Tessa walked over and opened it. Inside were his clothes and coats and she noticed his violin case was next to it. She felt tears well up and threaten to spill. Jem had made a weak attempt to stop her but now he stood next to her awkwardly in defeat.

'Jem, what-'

'I'm sorry Tess, I was going to tell you before I left.'

'You're leaving? But why? I don't understand!' Tessa wiped furiously at the tears spilling down her cheeks and forgot about her bruise until she felt the pain of it.

She cried out uselessly and felt Jem's arms wrap around her waist. She turned around and buried her face in his chest while he murmured 'I'm sorry,' over and over again.

'Tessa, you have to see that I can't stay here now.'

'Why? Charlotte didn't say anything to you did she?' She gasped in horror.

'No but she didn't have to. I hurt you and I can't do that to you again. It's inexcusable'

'But Jem I don't blame you. I know it wasn't your fault.' Tessa looked up into his silver eyes and found them as warm as ever but there was no hope left in them now.

'I know Tess, I know but this could happen again. One of us has to leave and I would never ask you to go.'

'Don't go Jem! Stay and we can work something out.'

'I can't hurt you again. I won't allow it.'

'But this is hurting me more than anything else. Can't you understand that?'

He looked down at her with sad eyes and held her tighter. 'This isn't how I planned it. I wasn't going to look at you. I wasn't even going to call you by your first name. I was going to do what Will always does. Push people away.' He let go of her and moved past her.

'You can't push me away James. It doesn't work on me. You said you didn't want to hurt me again but that's exactly what your plan was meant to do!' Tessa felt desperate beyond belief. She was crying again now and there was no way to stop the tears. 'Why Jem? Why didn't you go through with your plan?'

'Because I love you Tessa. I can't ever refuse or ignore you. I saw you in pain and it was my first reaction! I didn't know what else to do but comfort you.' He said in exasperation.

'Please don't go. You're all I have left. I have no family, no money and without you no life. That's what you want to take from me Jem. My life. I'll die without you. You are my drug.'

Every sentence hit Jem hard. He looked at Tessa, standing there defiantly in front of him. He was dangerous no doubt about it yet here she was willing to argue with him. Willing to stay with him even though he'd hurt her once and was capable still. Tessa was all he'd wanted for ages and he never dreamt she would have wanted him too. That was why he decided he had to leave. He couldn't ruin her life as well as his own. But would leaving her ruin her life just the same as if he did stay?

'Tessa I don't know-' He was cut off midsentence by Tessa who had come forward and pulled him towards her for a kiss.

Jem gave in and kissed her back. Tessa had sensed his hesitation and decided to act on it hoping she hadn't been wrong.

When they broke apart he held her in his arms and rested his chin on her head.

'Say you won't go.'

'Tessa are you su-'

'Oh for goodness sake of course I'm sure!'

'Fine. I'll stay as long as you need me to.'

'Jem?'

'Yes Tessa?'

'Thank you.'


End file.
